the first of the Bearcreek Newsletters...

Hello friends and loved ones...a carrier pigeon might be better to send this, I'm hoping the internet signal holds out here from Bearcreek Crossings, the Shell Station/hot food and drinks "deli"/convenience store with free wireless. It's down "the main road" and then just after you turn onto Indiana-27. Oh yes. Luckily they have booths in the back, so I don't have to sit in my car and be totally ghetto.

This is to inform you all that I have arrived safely to Bryant, Indiana's beloved Bearcreek Farms Country Resort (and Goodtimes Theatre). I just wanted to share a few details so you all know what we're dealing with here.

1) I saw a dead horse less than a mile away from our property, right there just off the "main road." Rigor mortis sets in quickly, I can only hope he hadn't been there too long when Jeremy spotted him as we drove toward "town", but there he was, still bridled, legs sticking straight out horizontally. I later learned, as I pointed it out to my castmates and director as we drove by it the next day in the director's truck, "Oh, that's one of the Amish farms, too. They might leave it there for weeks if the police don't make them move it due to a health code."

2) Yes, we are in Amish country. This has led to several discoveries.
A few tidbits regarding the Amish:
~Louis loves them. They drive by in their horse-drawn buggies and all the little bonnetted girls wave at us. The buggies are also slower and quieter than cars, so he's a fan.
~Some of them work on our farm. Not-so-bright actors in the past have said, "oh, how cute! You hire people to work the farm and dress them up like those Amish people to make it seem authentic!" No no, that's Aenis (say it aloud, the first syllable is a long "E") and Reuben. They're actually Amish.
~Once an Amish man, a twin, actually, so he was well-known in the neighborhood, was on the Bearcreek property selling noodles door to door to our guests. Soliciting is not allowed, so a chase across farm fields ensued, with our director of lodging shouting, "Ezekiel! I know who you are! You get back here! EZEKIEL!!!"
~A Gay, EX-Amish Convicted Pedophile Roofer once took one of our actors home with him from the local dive bar in the middle of the cornfield. The place is known as the pit stop, the guy is in my cast, and he's dying to go back any night.

3) There are some pretty serious rules here. We are allowed to eat breakfast in the restaurant every day (though it's only open Tues-Sunday), and we can choose EITHER lunch OR dinner, but if it's Snow Crab Legs night, we can't have those unless we pay $3.00 at the front, and if there is a carved meat station, we are to stay away. We also eat in the back of the kitchen, fondly called The Dungeon. If there is a line at the buffet when we arrive, we must stand back until no one is waiting. It's also amazing to watch how the elderly can crowd around a buffet, even if they already have their own food, they feel the need to watch everyone else in their party and provide advice and judgment on the others' choices. Oh, and bacon might go back up in price, so we have to be ready to add it to the forbidden foods list.

4) The show is a revue that the artistic director has put together from other revues. It's entitled (as most of you know VERY WELL), Let Freedom Swing, and the idea is that it's a patriotic show with songs about America, with a "focus on swing." Some songs well known from the swing era(?!?) include Neil Diamond's "America" (I'm really gunning for the solo in that one), Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA," and songs from America's beginnings, including "Polly Wolly Doodle," "Daisy," and "Erie Canal." "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" has been cut. "Jump, Jive, and Wail" and "This Joint is Jumpin" are included as well, yet I'm not quite sure what the patriotic elements in them are yet. It's basically an hour and fifteen minutes of show choir. Oh, and we're singing with a track. This means it's like a whole show of karaoke. And on the first day, the artistic director "warned" us that we "should really learn this music, because these "helping voices" on the vocal tracks won't be there in the real show. Wow. Oh, and don't forget the cheap knockoff of "I've Been Everywhere" by Johnny Cash that has alllllll Indiana towns in it. Clever! Oh, and we don't have a stage manager. And we sang for three hours straight last night without a break until I stood up and meekly asked if we could go to the bathroom.


5) Bearcreek is owned by the owner of Richard's Restaurants, a franchise that used to span all the way to Florida and Illinois and back, but now they're just in Indiana. This man looks like Elmer Fudd, comes to shows and board meetings in his overalls with or without a shirt, and rarely can be bothered to put his teeth in when he's in public.

6) The water, in case I haven't told you this part yet, is so full of iron, that the showers and toilets look like someone has been murdered in them, and after several showers in the water, your nails and even your skin take on an orange tint. If you shower at the gym "in town" (Portland, 15 minute drive from the farm), they have filtered water. Lucky for me I'm going to the gym almost every day. Otherwise I might just be gross. I'll blend in just fine with the Amish and the farm folk.

7) All of this hilarity aside, it's really kind of nice being out here. It's quiet and peaceful, I took Louis for an hour-long walk along the country roads and through our farm today. The wind through the cornfields is quite lovely, there are animals everywhere (the geese use the basketball court as their toilet, not sure why), and it's certainly a safe place. Hardly anyone locks their doors, even the actors, because as our artistic director put it, "Aenis and Reuben can't use your Ipod anyway, and the guests are so old, they won't even know what it is."

Sorry for the mass email but this was the easiest way to get to everyone, and as I have to drive three miles to get to the internet, I have a limited amount of time anyway. Please let me hear from you, it's good to receive communication from the outside world where technology is far more advanced.

Love to each and every one of you...it's certainly an adventure out here on the farm, haha! I'm not even really complaining...more just sharing some humorous observances. I guess this is what they call paying your dues, huh, Stern?

Most Fondly, from 8341 N 400 E,
ME